In some families, care for a parent settles on one adult child, often the one who lives closest. The other siblings call on Sundays, visit at holidays, and say “let me know if you need anything.” Meanwhile one person drives to every appointment, refills every prescription, and answers every call from the pharmacy. The siblings may not see how lopsided the arrangement is, because nobody has counted the work.
This guide is for the sibling carrying the load and for the siblings who want to help but do not know where to start.
Count the work first
Start with a list. For two weeks, the main caregiver writes down every task, how long it took, and when it happened: rides, calls, paperwork, meals, nights interrupted, money spent.
OPA’s free What This Is Costing You worksheet gives the categories. Many tasks take ten or fifteen minutes and never register as time, so add them up.
Put the list in front of everyone
Share the list before a family meeting so nobody hears it for the first time in the room. Then meet, in person or by video, with one goal: every recurring task gets a name next to it, and a backup name.
The Dividing the Work worksheet records each person’s hours, money, jobs accepted, and jobs declined. It also has a column labeled “Nobody Yet.” Anything left in that column is work the family has not covered.
Jobs a distant sibling can own
A sibling in another state can own:
Insurance calls, claims, and appeals
Bill paying and the monthly budget
Scheduling appointments and arranging rides
Researching and calling home care providers
A weekly call with the parent at a fixed time
Paying for a block of paid care so the local sibling gets a day off
A job is owned when one person handles it start to finish, including the follow-up. Offering to help when asked does not count as owning it.
When the family cannot cover the hours
Sometimes the list shows more hours than the family can give, even split fairly. At that point, paid help has to be part of the plan. Decide together which hours paid help will cover and who in the family manages that relationship.
Write the decision down
Write down who agreed to what, starting when, and the date the family will check whether it is working. The Family Meeting and Decision Log is one page for this.
The Invisible Architecture, Book II of the Operational Reliability Series, follows a family carrying care after the first emergency has passed. The book includes a worksheet for dividing the work among siblings. Read about the book.
A first step this week
If you are the sibling carrying the work, start the two-week list today. If you are one of the others, call the sibling who is carrying it and ask for one task you can take over completely.
If the family needs paid help to cover the hours nobody can take, see how care starts at OPA.
For a reliable next step, use National Institute on Aging guidance on sharing caregiving responsibilities for the official details, then use how care starts when your family needs to organize support at home.
For a related decision, the Eldercare Locator can help frame the question, and this site’s dementia-care guide offers a practical next step.
Families can also compare the next handoff with OPA’s Care Coordination Grid.
